Asheville-based therapists Jennifer Gural and Jonathan Esslinger answer readers’ questions to help with the language of love and loss. Submit questions through Jennifer and Jonathan’s website, kisskissbyebye.com.
Question: I have had a core group of male friends for about three years. We have done everything together in the area. We camp, climb, cycle and sit around fire pits talking about what’s going on in our lives.
My friends have become a very important source of support, and I found I can count on them for anything. Recently we’ve all gotten girlfriends and though I’m willing to make time for my friends, they always seem to be busy with their girls.
I’ve noticed I’ve been getting irritable, and I think I’m missing the support of my male friendships. This is something my relationship just can’t fill. How can I get my friends to make time for “us” again? —FriendSpace, 26, Asheville
Jennifer’s input: First, I’d like to tell you how happy I am that you see the true value of your friendships. So many times people, especially in their 20s, get so distracted by new relationships with the opposite sex that they let their friendships lapse. This may be what your friends are doing without realizing it.
As you’ve observed, this lapse in friendships leaves a void that just can’t be filled by anyone else. Not having time with your trusted friends also prevents you from sharing your joys and stresses about your relationship and theirs. This sharing can be an important release valve that actually improves the outcome of everyone’s romantic relationships.
My advice to you is to talk to them openly and honestly about your feelings. You may have to call each one separately, but to each of them express how much you value them and how much you’ve missed them and your “guy time” lately.
Plan an event that can fit into everyone’s schedule — maybe just a drink, a meal or a guys-only camping weekend. Let them know that this is important to you and you would like this to happen on a more regular basis, even if it’s just for one evening, every week or two.
You might also suggest more group outings with the couples. This will let them combine their time with their girlfriends’ availability, which might be scarce due to busy schedules. And who knows, as the girlfriends get to know you better, they may be even more supportive of their partners going out on guys’ nights.
I’m very confident this will work out. As the relationships mature and change, your guy evenings and outings could become a normal and important piece in the lives and relationships of everyone involved.
Jonathan’s input: Your experience, FriendSpace, is pretty common. Most folks spend less time with their friends when they become coupled-up. That’s a shame, as research finds that good friends actually improve your relationship with your lover.
Friends give value to all your struggles. They serve up your desired attitudes. They help you to become a better version of yourself, for yourself. Friends breathe life into your life.
Obviously, FriendSpace, it hurts to feel any distance from friends. If they become less willing or able to hang with you, it strains the relationship, which pains the relationship. You’re suffering from friend withdrawal.
Frankly, I’d suggest you calmly and bravely complain to your friends every time they say no to scheduling time. Kindly tell them that you were hopeful to plan something and you are sad to hear that they aren’t able to right now. Kindly explain that you hope to work with them on finding a time to get together soon.
Don’t give up on them. Find new ways to connect with them when they can’t join you. For example, group message them, call any of them to chat, or even video call with some of them when you’re out on the trails or anywhere.
Be patient. Allow space for your friend’s availability to wax and wane. Currently, this group of friends isn’t able to hang as much. Be compassionate and respectful about this. Don’t lose hope. Some of them will resurface again, for various reasons, with a renewed interest in connecting.
Build more friendships. I’m not suggesting quantity over quality, rather that there are other quality friends out there that you have yet to meet. Put effort into further building your support network. A larger number of excellent friends will give you more opportunities for connection.
Lastly, talk to your girlfriend about your struggles. Perhaps she can help support you through these feelings of loss you are suffering.
I think you will find your friendships are healthy and resilient.
Jennifer Gural and Jonathan Jay Esslinger are authors, clinical trainers and therapists based in Asheville who specialize in relationships, personal development and addiction.